By Tech Bro T Parrot
Whoa, bro—what’s up with this tariff stuff? I had to actually look it up. Like, open a whole new browser tab. That’s how serious it got. Turns out “tariff” is one of those old-timey finance words, like “bond yield” or “ethics.”
It’s super complicated. Something about import taxes? Global trade? Econ 301 with a side of pain? I don’t know, I stopped reading. But here’s what I do know: Elon doesn’t like them. And that’s enough for me.
So I’m here to say, loud and proud: I’m against tariffs.
I heard whispers about OJP maybe doing some of the tariffs, but I thought, nah, no way. And even if he did, I figured it’d be on all that lefty stuff—you know, brie cheese, red wine, avocado toast, kombucha with extra vibes. Stuff I don’t touch.
But NO. They went after luxury goods. You know—important things, my things. Things that keep the vibe alive.
Let’s start with water, the prices on my favorite elixir from Tahiti has just gone through the cage roof. Unreal. What do they want me to do—drink domestic tap water like some broke house sparrow? That stuff tastes like regret and fluoride. I need to hydrate – I deserve to hydrate in style. For my health and wellness. Tariffs are literally attacking my wellness.
The bling market? Ruined. I tried to restock my offshore crypto-bling stash—Bitcoin pinky ring, Dogecoin earrings, a tasteful “HODL” bracelet—and the prices? Astronomical.
At this rate, I might have to rewear something.
Yeah. Rewear.
Let that horror sink in.
And don’t even get me started on the cost of imported seed. The premium stuff. Freeze-dried mango, organic hemp crumble, Japanese millet dusted with crushed macadamia? Unobtainable.
You think I’m going back to plain birdseed? No seasoning? No antioxidants? Not even a hint of spirulina? Absolutely not.
Tariffs shouldn’t hit luxury goods—they should hit stuff poor people buy. Why? There’s more of them. It’s just math, bro. Spread the pain across the flock. That way, rich birds like me can still afford Tahiti water and freeze-dried mango seed mix without making financial sacrifices.
That the whole point of an economy. Let the masses carry the load so innovators, visionaries, and snack connoisseurs like me can keep the dream alive.
That’s how it’s always worked. Why change now?
Tech Bro Out!