By Tucker T Parrot
Now listen up, feathered friends — because I’m about to explain the economy in a way no tenured economist ever could. No, I don’t have an Econ degree. No, I don’t have student loans. What I do have is an unfiltered perch, a squawk that don’t quit, and the kind of good ol’ birdbrain intuition that makes Wall Street tremble.
Let me start with this: the economy is more complicated than anyone can know—but lucky for you, I’m here.
Now, first of all, stop looking at the short term. I know it’s hard—we live in a culture that gets mad if the microwave takes more than 30 seconds. But this? This is a long-term plan.
See, the truth is, if you’re gonna do it right, it would take years to fix what’s been broken for decades. We don’t have that kind of patience. So what’s the solution? Crash it fast. Fix it faster.
Boom! Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.
Enter the On-Off-On-Delay Tariff Strategy. You heard about it. You were confused by it. Good. That means it’s working. This wasn’t insider trading, this was a masterclass in economic unpredictability. A move so bold, so erratic, so patriotically chaotic that no one could benefit from it unfairly.
And let’s not forget who’s behind it: a billionaire who doesn’t even need more money. A man who’s not doing it for cash, but for his legacy.
Personally? I find that humbling. I really do. We’re talking about someone who just wants to stay out of jail long enough to crash the system into liberty and prosperity. That’s not greed—that’s grit. That’s a first-order patriot.
Now let’s talk results. Tariffs are doing exactly what they’re supposed to:
- Foreign orders? Down.
- The dollar? Down.
- Markets? Down.
If this were horse racing, we’d call that a Triple Crown of Economic Glory.
If this strategy is confusing to you. It’s OK. It’s complicated. But not for our fearless leader. This is a man with plenty of crash experience. Have you seen his resume? He already has an established pedigree —casinos, steak, airlines, marriages—but this? This is the big one. This crash is crowning achievement. And Tucker T Parrot was here for it!
So buckle up, America. It’s gonna get bumpy. But remember: Sometimes you have to crash an economy to cook up a little freedom. 🦅💥🥚
Squawk On
—Tucker T. Parrot
“Economically unqualified. Patriotically overqualified.” 🦜🇺🇸