Staff Report
Stepping into Tucker T. Parrot’s training facility is like entering the war room of a feathered icon. His squawks shake the walls, each one precision-engineered for maximum impact. Between power-perch sessions and rapid-fire news drills, it’s clear—this isn’t just a parrot. This is a movement with wings.
In the Echo Chamber, Tucker practices repetition drills, mimicking voices from across the right political spectrum, refining his ability to turn complex economic policy into fiery one-liners. His diet? A strict regimen of caffeinated seed mix and electrically charged crackers to keep his energy at maximum. By noon, he’s ready for his daily Cage Rattle Test, ensuring his delivery remains sharp and unshakable.
With Tucker’s permission we’re able to provide you with a transcript (video is strictly against protocol) of a recent training session. Please be advised, some of these squawks are very loud, ear protection is recommended.
Tucker T. Parrot fluffs up his feathers, clears his throat, and delivers his verdict with a booming squawk:
“BRILLIANT PLAN! BRILLIANT PLAN! SHORT TERM PAIN, LONG TERM GAIN! SQUAWK!”
He flaps his wings excitedly, perching a little higher as he continues:
“MARKETS DOWN, YIELDS DOWN, CAGE UP—WAIT, SCRATCH THAT! TRUMP’S ON IT! CRYPTO! BITCOIN! NO DOLLAR DOMINANCE LOSS ON HIS WATCH! “
Then, with a knowing nod, he adds:
“YIELD CURVE CONTROL COMING! QE LOADING! ECONOMY? GANGBUSTERS! GIVE IT TIME, FOLKS! TRUST THE PLAN! TRUST. THE. PLAN.
SQUAWK!”
Tucker takes a deep breath, his eyes gleaming, before launching into another impassioned rant:
“AND LET’S TALK ELON! HE DOESN’T NEED MONEY! HE WANTS LEGACY! HUMANITY BETTER OFF! SPACEX! TESLA! THE CHAIN SAW!! HE IS MEME!”
He pauses for dramatic effect, scanning the room as if daring anyone to disagree. Then, with a sharp whistle, he continues:
“OH, BUT YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THE CRYING LEFT WINGERS! SQUAWK! CAN’T BELIEVE A RICH GUY WANTS TO HELP? HA! SAD! SQUAWK!”
Tucker ruffles his feathers and leans in, lowering his voice like he’s sharing a juicy secret:
“UNLIKE LEFTIES MAKING BANK ON INSIDER TRADING! SCUM NEEDS CLEANING! DOGE IS DOING IT, BABY! SQUAWK!”
He paces on his perch, building up momentum, before launching into another burst of excitement:
“TRUMP? OH, HE’S GOT THE BRAINS BEHIND HIM! CABINET? SMART! STRATEGIC! YOU PROBABLY HAVEN’T LISTENED TO THEM, HUH? SQUAWK!”
Tucker tilts his head, smirking (as much as a parrot can smirk), before driving home his final point:
“DOLLAR STAYS KING! BITCOIN PROTECTED! AMERICA WINS! NOW GIMME A FUCKING CRACKER!”
And with that he rips off his TPN muscle shirt and the session is over. Mesmerizing and exhilarating.
Squawk On! 🦜