Feathered patriots, grab your party hats and your noise makers — because June 14 is fast approaching, and this year it’s extra special. Not only is it Flag Day, the oft-overlooked junior cousin to our great and glorious July 4th, but it also marks a milestone that should be carved into every tree stump across America:
The 80th birthday of Our Jumbo Patriot himself — OJP.
Eighty years of wisdom. Eight decades of deals, speeches, lawsuits, and somehow — despite the endless squawking from the opposition — he looks… fantastic. Honestly, it’s inspirational. Some folks say age wears you down, but OJP proves you can achieve everlasting youth with just a little orange paste and a whole lot of confidence. That glow? It’s not from nature — it’s from winning.
Naturally, as the big day approaches, there’s only one question rattling around this parrot’s head like seed in a tin can:
What do you get the man who has everything (including the nuclear codes and 34 indictments)?
Seriously. Try shopping for an 80-year-old genius.
He’s smarter than all of us. He’s already got gold-plated everything. He owns buildings with his name on them in letters bigger than my perch. And let’s be honest — a “World’s Greatest President” mug just isn’t going to cut it.
That’s why I fully support the only gift worthy of such a monumental birthday: A Parade.
Yes, you heard me right. Tanks. Guns. Jets. Flags waving so hard they make the wind file for workers’ comp.
I heard this beautiful display of raw patriotic muscle is going to cost $45 million. Some folks clutch their pearls at that price tag, but not me. Money well spent. What were we gonna do with it otherwise? Build another solar panel farm? Subsidize cage-free eggs? Please.
Cage-free eggs are for woke chickens and soft-handed city folk. A parade though? That’s for winners. It’s for a man who wakes up every morning, gazes out his gold-framed window, and says “Yeah, what a beautiful country I made. And I alone can fix it.”
And let’s not kid ourselves, folks — who wouldn’t want a parade for their birthday?
When I turned five (bird years, obviously), I got a seed cake and a pat on the beak. OJP? He’s getting Abrams tanks and fighter jets buzzing the rooftops of America’s elite coastal enclaves. Talk about setting the standard.
This parade isn’t just about celebration — it’s a message. A message to every other country, every doubter, every woke chicken coop from here to Brussels:
We’re still here. We’re still loud. And we’ve still got the biggest toys on the block.
June 14 isn’t just a birthday. It isn’t just Flag Day. It’s Freedom’s Doubleheader. One flag to honor the nation. One parade to honor the man keeping it “great.”
So, as I polish my truck’s chrome beak ornament and fluff my feathers for the big day, remember — this isn’t just another Tuesday on the calendar.
This is history. This is patriotism. This is the birthday bash to end all birthday bashes.
Happy (almost) Birthday, OJP. We’ll see you at the parade — front row, claws up, and ready to squawk.
— Tucker T. Parrot
“Party planner. Parade promoter. Proud American.” 🎂🦜🇺🇸