By Hon Susan T Parrot
Dear Fellow Patriotic Parrots, I know this economy thingy was supposed to change on day one, but did any of you actually believe that? I mean, after all, what can one parrot do besides squawk?
Trust me, eggs might be more expensive now, but look on the bright side—you’ll be healthier if you eat fewer of them. Which is a good thing because your healthcare is getting cut. Which I don’t support! Unless, of course, someone tells me to.
Also, I’d like to reassure everyone that things really are OK in the Capitol. I know we’ve all seen and heard that Orange J. Parrot rattling his cage about one perceived slight or another. Tariff On! Tariff Off!
Yes, it’s exhausting.
But don’t worry—I’m here to tell you that I’m very concerned. So concerned, in fact, that I will be on talk shows and evening news every single day until something else starts trending. And that’s all I plan to do about it. Because, let’s be honest, this alone should be enough to get me reelected.
Speaking of concerning things, yes, a couple of his flock grabbed a dove. Where is the dove now? Not sure. I heard the bird is in a pet store in Louisiana, so probably fine.
But hey, at least it wasn’t a parrot, right? I mean, doves aren’t like us cultured birds. They sleep outside! But still, I pray he finds a home, a nice home—somewhere else.
And how about the brilliance of crashing crypto just before we start the National Crypto Piggy Bank? This is the economic genius we need! I mean really, if OJP could get Bitcoin down to just $0.71, THIS COUNTRY WOULD BE ON EASY STREET. Imagine that! A future where our savings are worth pocket change before we even start saving. It’s poetry in Orange.
In closing, I want to assure everyone that I remain steadfastly in the middle of things, observing, commenting, and expressing just the right amount of concern. Change takes time, and by time, I mean enough news cycles to keep me in the headlines. Rest assured, I will continue to be deeply troubled by things while doing absolutely nothing about them.
-HSTP
Editor’s Note: Hon. Susan T. Parrot is The Parrot News’ most esteemed political correspondent, tirelessly working her Washington D.C. connections to get the real scoop. We are grateful to have her.