By Tech Bro T Parrot
In a recent post, I let you in on my personal tragedy: having to re-wear parts of my wardrobe. Bro, at the time I thought that was rock bottom.
Turns out, it gets worse.
When you can’t refresh your wardrobe every quarter—every season—you’re not just hurting yourself, you’re putting entire industries at risk.
Sure, the eco-crowd is out here clapping like trained seals, going “Good for the environment!” But, like, did you even think about the trash man?
Yeah, the trash man.
The unsung American hero who bravely carts away last quarter’s drip, heroically buried under limited-edition collabs and barely-worn ironic slogan tees. Truly, where would we be without their daily toil? They remove mountains of packaging, and double on the holiday. Where it goes, nobody knows. Or cares.
Let’s not put these heroes out of work.
If we all stop throwing out our outfits after one Instagram flex, who’s giving the trash guy work, bro? You wanna be the reason some poor bro loses his gig and has to start a Substack about minimalist living? Didn’t think so.
What about the credit card companies?
You think they survive on people who pay off their balances in full? Not a chance. They feast on that sweet, sweet interest
If tariffs slow down the buying frenzy, people might—brace yourself—pay off their balances. No debt = no revenue. No revenue = no flashy Super Bowl ads featuring horses and inspirational piano music.
Look, let’s stop kidding ourselves.
If we’re going to keep this fiat scam rolling—and I personally need it to roll for at least a few more years—we need people to buy. And keep buying. We don’t care what happens after it’s bought. Wear it once, toss it into the abyss, and keep that economic hamster wheel spinning, baby.
Consumption is the lifeblood of the system. Without buying, we die.
And that’s why, team, we need to talk about M2.
Now, I didn’t learn about this in a textbook. I got this from a source on X (formerly known as Twitter, for you boomers), and this bro has laser eyes on his profile. Which, as everyone knows, is the international symbol for brilliant economists, financial savants, and get rich quick scammers.
According to him, M2 is the velocity of money. What does that mean? I have no idea. It’s all math. But it sounds fast, and I so I want it. I have a need for speed, and so does my money so therefore it’s good.
But the X dude says these tariffs are cutting into my M2. It’s so bad that today’s M2 is more like an M1. Why the man cuttin’ into my M2? Again, I’m not sure what M2 is, but I damn well know we don’t want half of it.
So at desperate times, when despots rule, we need an appeal to heaven! Help me, Elon Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
This is no time for a brovorce. Consumer Nation needs you, I need you, in there pitching for team Constant Consumerism. Don’t make me re-wear last season’s hoodie.
Bro, the economy depends on it. Please, my wardrobe depends on it. The entire refuse industry is in your hands.
Tech Bro Out!