By Tech Bro Parrot
Checking back in after my quick little wellness journey to the South Pacific, bros. Just vibing with some exotic tail feathers, drinking volcanic-filtered electrolyte juice, and soaking up the raw capitalist energy of the islands. I believe in going straight to the source for my energy resets—sun, sand, and surplus trade deficits.
Now, I did try to be incommunicado while at the spa. You know, totally unplugged, like a monk but with better skincare. But let’s be honest—who really does that? Like I’m not going to check in on what OJP – Official Jargon Parrot – is doing with my economic future while I’m getting a seaweed wrap.
And wow— He did not disappoint.
Turns out, he cooked up a sweet deal on tariffs. I’m talking chef’s kiss. My mentions may still be scorched from all the heat I got last time I spoke out against tariffs (for daring to say I deserve affordable luxury), but now? I feel vindicated.
I’ve already ordered some new bling to celebrate. Full custom job. Diamonds, gold, encrypted QR code to my cold wallet—all the hardware, baby.
Speaking of hardware…
Did you catch the news?
OJP is getting a new Air Force One.
But—and I cannot emphasize this enough—“new” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
Bro, it’s a used plane.
Like, hand-me-down Air Force One. Are we serious? Since when is “Buy American” code for “Get A Used Hand-Me-Down?”
But hey, good news: the used plane will only cost a cool billion to update. That’s 9.2k BTC for my fellow bros. And when he kills the dollar it will be even less so – no biggie. And the timing? Oh, you’ll love this—it’ll be operational just in time for the grand opening of the Trump Presidential Library.
Coincidence? No, bro, that’s vision.
Finally, a place where patriotic Americans can gaze upon a perfectly preserved Air Force One while browsing first-edition tweets and commemorative ketchup packets. This is how we make this country great again—with relics, used jets, and a gift economy for billionaires.
And don’t hit me with the whole “quid pro quo” talk. No, no—this is quid pro bono. That’s Latin for “rich people doing favors for each other while the rest of us admire the craftsmanship.”
So let me recap my week:
- Got flamed for opposing tariffs.
- Tariffs changed.
- Bling acquired.
- Spa rejuvenation achieved.
- Air Force One downgraded to “Airbnb Force One.”
- Country: allegedly still functioning.
If that’s not a win column, I don’t know what is.
So yes, I’m back. Sun-kissed. Slightly more sarcastic. Emotionally hydrated.
And ready to keep this great consumer experiment rolling. Let’s keep buying, keep flexing, and keep pretending that spending a billion dollars to fix up a used plane that may never fly is entirely normal.
Tech Bro Out🦜