No thanks, Dave

By Anne T. Parrot

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I am not in the business of offering unsolicited advice to men who build empires out of mozzarella and misogyny. But when Dave Portnoy—yes, that Dave—decides to squawk about operational security in politics, it’s time for someone with actual feathers of intellect to weigh in.

Dave recently flapped into public discourse with his very serious thoughts on the dangers of private text streams. Oh yes, El Presidente has arrived to lecture the Beltway crowd on OPSEC. What’s next? Gary Busey giving a TED Talk on emotional regulation?

Let’s not pretend you haven’t accidentally booty-called the “sorry, wrong number” before, Dave. Probably while live-streaming from a ping pong table in Nantucket with three guys named Kyle. Spare us the lecture on digital discretion.

This the same man who’s built a fortune spouting on about boobs, bets and blown calls. And now he wants to be known as the bro that has serious OpSec opinions?

Ok, fine. Very smart. Very serious. Now Squawk off.

A Dumb Jock Enters the Arena

Now, I’m all for civic engagement. Truly. It’s adorable to see Dave trying to give back after making big bank selling merch and lukewarm pizza takes to grown men who still wear backwards hats in airports. But let’s not confuse volume with value.

Dave, darling, the world of politics is an elite space. Not in the elitist sense you rally your followers against, but in the you-need-to-know-what-you’re-talking-about kind of way. And no, having a working knowledge of Buffalo wings and the color schemes of frat houses does not count.

I will give you this, though: your One Bite Pizza Review is a marvel of modern media. The ability to take a single bite, stare pensively into the middle distance, and then pull a number out of your ass is nothing short of performance art.

Your fans roar!

Pizzeria owners tremble in fear of a visit!

Is this your superpower, Dave? Terrorizing small business owners for clicks? Bravo.

For the Sports Bro

Let’s talk about those clicks. They are driven by the glorious flood of cheese filled content you tailor for the uber-sports-brosexual-motor-head-gamer-fanboy audience of yours. It’s a curious flock, indeed. One it seems, that believes emotional intelligence is a form of weakness and that pineapple on pizza is a crime against humanity.

But, we all know your brand of infotainment is not so much news as it is affirmation in athletic shorts. You’ve mastered the art of telling people what they already believe. The average Portnoy fan doesn’t want to be challenged, Dave. He wants to be reassured that his bad takes are actually brave ones. And you—El Presidente, supreme ruler of the hot take—are more than happy to oblige.

If you are truly bored and need a new new direction. Buy a Pizza Hut! Crown yourself El Presidente of The Hut! It’s the perfect addition to your empire: doughy and cheesy. Kinda like your podcast.

The point is, you don’t belong in politics, Dave. You belong in a man cave filled with neon lights, wing sauce, and all eyes on you. And that’s okay! Every world needs its court jester. Just don’t try to pass yourself off as a statesman.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a book to hawk and a nation to re-educate.

-Anne T.