By Anne T Parrot
Ok, sure. Fine. It’s not every year a world leader turns four score. I can acknowledge the historical weight of that. Longevity is something I respect—I’ve hosted 23 consecutive Egg Hunts, thank you very much. But a $45 million parade to celebrate a birthday? Are we serious? What’s next—gold-plated port-a-potties for the VIP nest?
Let me be very clear: this parade is a wasteful, juvenile, cosplay disaster masquerading as patriotism.
And yes, I know, the moment I squawk against it, someone will accuse me of not supporting the aviary. Nonsense. I love the aviary. I just don’t think we need to bankrupt it with baton twirlers and synchronized marching to celebrate one parrot’s ability to continue existing.
This is just another example of why Our Jubilant Pomp (OJP) is not the Patriot I hoped he would be.
I’ll admit, he had his moments early on. He flapped a few good ideas around. But lately, he hasn’t gone far enough—and this birthday bonanza proves it. It’s not just excessive. It’s embarrassing.
Marching Into Madness
Parades, fundamentally, are ridiculous. Let’s call them what they are: group cosplay for adults. Everyone put on your matching little uniforms and march around in formation while the birthday bird waves from a heavily guarded viewing perch. It’s performative. It’s loud. And frankly, it’s not even musically sound.
Have you ever tried playing an instrument while walking? It’s not dignified. It’s not efficient. It’s just a lot of off-key honking and clanging from birds trying to remember if they’re supposed to step with the left foot or the right. But don’t worry—we’ll have plenty of marching bands eager to prove just how bad it sounds.
And let’s not forget the most important part: THE MONEY.
$45 million is not chicken feed. That kind of funding could do real good. We could be using it to reinforce aviary security, more police tanks, or maybe even invest in an education program so the next generation won’t confuse egg rolls with eggs (I’m still recovering, thank you).
Instead, we’re spending it on a parade route and probably some gold leaf streamers. Our troops should be out on the wire—vigilant, alert, and prepared to protect the nest against adversaries foreign, domestic, and left wing.
But no. Now they’ll be marching in circles around OJP’s backyard, wearing ceremonial helmets and waving to a crowd of feathered freeloaders. It’s disgraceful.
Karen, the Grand Master of My Nightmares
And if you think the parade itself will be the worst part, allow me to remind you: Karen T. Parrot has announced she’ll be playing a “key role,” possibly under some title that was as long as it was boring. I’d rather be stuck under the egg roll bush from last weekend than listen to her lead a chant. I’ve heard her attempt rhythmic clapping. It’s traumatic.
You can expect endless squawking, hashtags, photo ops, and probably a commemorative dance number she choreographed with her book club. The same book club that thought my memoir was “mean-spirited.”
Ha! As if they could read.
A Parade of Priorities
This isn’t about tradition. It’s about ego, plain and simple. Parading troops, wasting funds, and letting unqualified birds like Karen take center stage—it’s not a celebration, it’s a feathered farce.
Let’s save the budget, protect the nest, and leave the fanfare to the flightless.
If you want to honor OJP, give him a card. Preferably the one that plays Hail to the Chief when it is opened. He’ll play with it all day long. No need to bankrupt the aviary just because he made it to 80 despite his best efforts.
– Anne T. Parrot
Cage-Free. Budget-Conscious. Still Not Applauding.
🎉 BOOK SIGNING ANNOUNCEMENT: Escape the Parade, Embrace the Truth 🦜
While Our Jubilant Pomp (OJP) spends $45 million on marching bands and gold confetti, real parrots will be gathering where it actually matters—at my book signing for Cage-Free Conservatism.
📍 Big Box Bookstore – Perchside Pavilion, East Hampton (safely outside the parade zone)
🗓️ This Saturday at 2:00 PM sharp
🎁 First 20 attendees get a miniature golden cage bookmark and an exclusive “I Skipped the Parade for This” sticker
Come for the book. Stay for the budget-conscious values.
Parrots welcome. Parade fans… tolerated.