By Hon Susan T Parrot
Good Morning my fellow Americans, today I’m posting from Washington, D.C.—our nation’s glittering cage of democracy, where the feathers are ruffled, the seeds are overpriced, and the markets are, well, spiraling. I’m once again grateful to The Parrot News, one of the premier publications of our time, for allowing me to repeat my message to an audience that is increasingly nervous and refreshingly uninformed.
Now, let’s get to the seed of the matter: the drop in the stock market. It is… very troubling. I cannot emphasize enough how concerning it is. And, I know concerning. It’s basically my full-time job. But let me be perfectly clear—I do not support Orange J. Parrot flapping his wings and moving entire markets with a single squawk. That’s not responsible leadership. That’s not measured policy. That’s not fair.
However—and this is important—it would be even more concerning if I hadn’t sold my stocks on the morning before the tariff announcements. Honestly, it’s nearly unbelievable how good my timing is. Some might call it lucky. Some might call it suspicious. I call it: instinct. The kind of instinct you get from years of repeating everything you hear and sitting on every committee that does nothing but squawk about doing something.
Monetizing inaction is the key to success in this town.
Now, I know what you’re all wondering: will there be accountability? Will Susan do something? You’re darn right! As soon as I return to Washington, I fully intend to hold a very public hearing. Nothing too specific, of course, just the usual lineup of stern expressions, raised brows, and dramatic pauses followed by vague demands for transparency.
Because here’s the scoop: there was a VERY curious spike in buying just before OJP called off the tariffs. Coincidence? Maybe. Market manipulation? Whatever!! The key is a lot of insiders made a killing—and, frankly, I want to know why I wasn’t one of them. If market chaos is going to be this profitable, the least they could do is loop me in. I’m on the group text. Or I thought I was.
That said, I am deeply reassured by the President’s social media blitz in the aftermath. His bold leadership—typing in all caps, reposting outdated memes, and repeatedly telling everyone to “Be Cool”—is just the kind of stability our economy needs. I, for one, look to him for inspiration. And like any responsible parrot, I repeat a slogan for our time: “Be Cool. This is a great time to buy.”
Political genius. Good Financial Advice.
Don’t forget to look for me on the major talk shows to reinforce this message. Morning shows, evening panels, lifestyle segments—I’ll show up anywhere there’s a camera except, of course, the Senate floor. The lighting is bad and there is no makeup crew.
So, my feathered friends, I leave you with this: yes, you may be poorer, but rest assured—everything is under control, or at least comfortably beneath my watchful eye and impeccably arched brow. The hearings will begin (eventually), the talk shows will hum, and remember: in Washington, concern is the currency of competence… and I’m practically a billionaire.