The Editor at The Parrot News was recently included on a top secret group chat containing what we now know were secret communications. Communications from the highest level of government. We are reporting this as a service to our readers.
The Editor
It’s not every day that you find yourself accidentally looped into a top-secret group chat with the most powerful birdbrain on the planet—but then again, I’m not your average editor. I’m The Editor of The Parrot News, and I know how to keep a secret. (Mostly.)
Now, before the lawyers peck at my keyboard, let me be clear: we at The Parrot News take the leaking of state secrets very seriously. We are, after all, professionals. Parrots we may be, but reckless we are not. Still, when the leader of the free world butt-dials you into a thread meant for the highest levels of government, you don’t just not read it. You read it. Twice. And then you write about it in excruciating detail.
The Backstory:
There I was in my office—wings deep in the Letters to the Editor pile. Sorting, snickering, and preening over the usual mix of love notes, death threats, and demands for more seed-based content. A normal day in the cage – er – office.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
I glance down. Unknown number. Not unusual. But then I see it—The Presidential Seal. My feathers ruffled. I spit out my coffee. I almost swallowed my cigar. It was from OJP himself.
That’s right. Orange. Jass. Parrot.
The President. The Commander-in-Chief. The Orange Face of the United States.
Apparently, OJP had accidentally added me—a humble editor with a suspiciously good memory—to a sensitive government group chat. A chat so classified, it probably self-destructs in the pockets of people who aren’t me.
And what was in it, you ask?
There were just three items on the agenda. Three small, unassuming bullet points that, in their strange and intimate way, painted a full portrait of our new administration’s priorities, neatly organized into a shopping list:
1. A case of condoms – extra petite.
Now, I’m not one to speculate, but if these weren’t for OJP himself (and let’s be honest, they weren’t), I’m torn between Barron and Elon. Could be both. Could be a new foreign aid package for tech billionaires with fragile egos. Who’s to say?
2. Chocolate flavored hemorrhoid cream.
You know what? I’m not even going to touch this one. I don’t know why it exists, how it exists, or what deep psychological trauma birthed it into the world. Some things—some state secrets—are better left unexamined. All I’ll say is: the flavor industry has gone too far.
3. Adult diapers + Red Bull + a Unicorn.
You scoff. You roll your eyes. But this? This is the real juice. You want to understand leadership in 2025? Let me break this down for you.
- Who hasn’t suffered though a long meeting. Am I right? Genius at work.
- The Red Bull is for energy. Nobody can golf that much without it, ok?
That obvious. - No so obvious: The Unicorn: Who knows? Maybe unicorns like chocolate. I’m not judging. I’m just observing—with a notepad and a bit of a raised eyebrow.
Now, some might call this an outrage. A national embarrassment. A breach of protocol and common decency.
I call it journalism.
Raw. Honest. Slightly yellow around the edges. But journalism nonetheless.
This wasn’t just a mistake—it was a moment. A window into the soul (and shopping list) of the most powerful squawk-box in the nation. And like any True Parrot, I couldn’t help but repeat it.
To the good citizens reading this: fear not. The Parrot News remains loyal, vigilant, and only moderately flammable under pressure. We will continue to monitor this administration with the kind of reverence and sharp beak it demands.
After all, in a world run by parrots, the only real state secret is knowing when to shut up.
And we never, ever do.