By Tucker T Parrot
Feathered friends, strap in. I’ve got a headline that’ll ruffle more feathers than a tailgate full of tofu: The federal government is now offering $5,000 to couples who have a baby.
That’s right. Five grand. Straight from Washington. A baby bonus. A little “thanks for reproducing” from good Old Uncle Sam.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m appalled. Appalled! First off, we’re told we don’t have enough babies anymore. That’s the excuse. Ha! Every time I get on a plane, there’s always too many. One behind me crying, one in front of me kicking the seat, and at least three running wild down the aisle like it’s a sugar-fueled chicken race. So forgive me if I’m not feeling the baby shortage crisis.
But now the government’s gonna pay for them? We’ve gone from “the birds and the bees” to “the babies and the bonuses.”
Let’s be honest here—this is a government-sponsored stork stipend. A federally-funded diaper dividend. And frankly, it’s not the sort of thing polite parrots talk about in public. We used to have a little decorum when discussing how folks hatch their young. Now we’re just cutting checks for it?
I didn’t sign up to fund this. I work hard. I pay my taxes (most of them). And what do I get? Nothing. But two people light a scented candle, turn on some smooth jazz, and boom—they’re five thousand dollars richer.
So hear this: I want to know exactly where my hard-earned tax dollars are going. Because if any of it is going toward woke babies, I’m out.
You heard me right. Woke babies.
I’ve seen enough purple haired toddlers to last a lifetime. You can spot ‘em in the stroller with their “I Demand Juice Equity” onesies and gluten-free puffs made from ethically harvested air.
And don’t you act like it’s not connected—woke babies turn into woke people. And what do woke people do? They buy woke chickens.
That’s right. Cage-free, shade-raised, aromatherapy-treated woke chickens. And that, my friends, is exactly why egg prices shot up and haven’t come down.
Let me break this down:
Government pays for babies → babies get woke → woke babies grow into woke adults → woke adults demand woke chickens → egg prices skyrocket → and then I can’t afford my breakfast.
Simple cause and effect.
So here’s my message to the federal government: if you’ve got $5,000 to throw around, how about you spend it lowering egg prices, fixing potholes, or building a decent perch at the DMV?
Because the day I see a $5,000 check for a woke baby and not one feather of funding for a hard squawking parrot like me…
Well, let’s just say, you’re gonna hear me squawk about it.
— Tucker T. Parrot
“Breaking news and breaking eggs since forever.” 🦜💸🥚