By Hon Susan T Parrot
Well, color me stunned and slightly frosted. Orange J. Parrot has decided to make a play for Greenland. And while I appreciate the boldness of annexing ice cubes for personal legacy projects, this trip has produced more surprises than a surprise press conference from the Vice Parrot.
The first surprise, of course, was that the Vice Parrot was able to find his way back from the trip. There have been persistent rumors—well, more than rumors, honestly— about his lack of any real direction; that he once got lost during a sensitive CVS shopping mission and had to call the front desk for directions.
Last time he got called for a vote, the poor bird was gone for a week. A whole week. Sitting next to a decorative hedge at the Reflecting Pool. Just staring at his reflection, repeating “Wow, that is some really nice eyeliner.“
Anyway, I need to be honest here. It was hard to discern Orange Man was surprised or disappointed when the VP turned up again. I suspect it’s the latter because plans are quietly underway to send him to observe an active volcano next. For science.
But let’s talk Greenland.
The major miscalculation appears to center around the island’s actual composition. The name, as it turns out, is less a description and more a prank from the Viking marketing department. The place is not green. And it never was. Further, it is not, as was apparently believed, made of golf greens. And golf—prepare yourselves—has nothing to do with the place at all.
As you might imagine, the President was apoplectic when he was informed there would be no Trump Hotel Greenland, no Trump International Golf Resort Nuuk, and no presidential drive-by in a golden golf cart. The revelation that the name “Greenland” was simply a thousand-year-old branding ploy to distract from the icy desolation sent him into a tailspin so aggressive, it shook three teleprompters and a news anchor.
We’re now hearing whispers of retaliatory measures, like renaming Iceland to “Hotland” and demanding reparations in the form of cocktail shrimp. Which made perfect sense to absolutely every one of his cabinet members and literally nobody else. This is what global strategy looks like in 2025.
So yes, dear flock, the trip has been historic. Not for diplomatic gain, not for climate talks, and certainly not for geopolitical stability. But, for the moment the most powerful bird in the world realized he couldn’t trademark a glacier.
Stay tuned. I’ll be on six panels later tonight, explaining why this matters and how deeply concerned I am.