By Tucker T Parrot
Folks, I’m comin’ to you live from the lobby of my local truck dealership, and let me tell ya—I’m in shock. My trusty old truck is in the shop for an oil change, and while I wait, the sales fella tried to convince me I need a new one. Yeah, right. Like I’d trade in the love of my life for one of these soft modern contraptions.
See, I used to change my own oil. Set the timing. Maybe even tweak the engine a little, just for fun. Oh, and there was that time I hopped it up for a few months when I was dating that hot bird down the road. She liked a little extra rumble under the hood—who doesn’t?
But those were the days when trucks were trucks. A solid bench seat. A stick shift that fought you every mile. An engine you could fix with a wrench and a little determination. Trucks were basically tractors with a nice body—tough, loud, and built for work.
Now? Have you seen trucks today?
I wandered over to the showroom, just to humor the guy, and I swear to you—I thought I was in a furniture store. Trucks today don’t have seats, they have Barcaloungers. Padded, power-adjustable, heated armchairs. And cubbies! Cup holders! Compartments for stuffed animals. And, dear reader, I am not talking about taxidermy here, OK?
And carpeting! Wall-to-wall carpeting! I about fell over. You ever try to shake out a day’s worth of honest work from carpeting? Can’t do it. Carpet ain’t for trucks, it’s for living rooms.
There are screens everywhere. The dash of this thing looked like a movie theater. GPS, Bluetooth, backup cameras, climate control—climate control, for crying out loud! I tell you what, I control my climate by rolling the window down. That’s real truck air conditioning.
And get this—every truck now comes standard with a bed liner. To keep it pretty and scratch-free. Imagine that. A truck that can haul a half-ton of gravel, but heaven forbid the bed gets a little worn-in.
But here’s where it really lost me: some fancy gizmo that backs your trailer up for you. Let that sink in. A truck that does the backing for you. No skill, no learning curve, no practice. Just push a button. I’m tellin’ you, folks, technology is getting out of hand. It’ll be writing the news soon and no one will know.
Listen, I don’t know what we’re doin’ as a society, but I do know this: If a truck has four doors, carpeting, and a lined bed… well, folks, that ain’t a truck. That’s a station wagon with the back cut off.
The whole matter has set me to a wonderin’ why we’re making trucks this way. They look bigger and tougher than ever—but inside? Squishy. Padded. Soft.
Thank God that’s not happening to us as a nation.
Squawk On!
Tucker