Staff Report
In today’s most heartwarming tale of desperation, a British man is still on a mission to retrieve a hard drive containing $800 million in Bitcoin, which he accidentally threw away in 2013.
His latest proposal? Just buy the whole landfill. Because when life gives you lemons, you don’t make lemonade—you buy all the lemons and sift through them for treasure.
Unfortunately, local officials have declined his proposal, citing reality as their primary concern. “It’s basically an $800 million needle in a million-ton garbage stack,” one official said, adding, “We’d rather just wait until Bitcoin is worth zero, so it’s not our problem anymore.”
When we caught up with our own Tech Bro T Parrot, he had hefty chuckle at the poor Brit’s misfortune. But quickly added that “this is exactly the type of shit The Government will do to separate honest people from their coin. It’s a damn shame.“